Mom, and meaning, again

"But, I remember what Mom taught me: You have to decide for yourself what you believe. If I get to claim that right, so does she. The religion I've chosen holds the right to "a free and responsible search for truth and meaning" as one of its cherished principles. It says nothing about having to choose the same path as one's children - or parents. She hasn't changed that I can tell. I'm not sure I want to ask - but, maybe she's figured out, at the age of 80, what she believes." - from May 27 or so

This week had two major events: First, R had her 16th birthday. A bittersweet time, she's our youngest so these are the last milestone birthdays we'll be celebrating until we have grandchildren. We're not ready for grandchildren...

Second, my mom underwent a procedure on the same day to unblock two blocked arteries in her heart. She now has a total of three stents in her arteries, holding them open so her lifeblood can flow freely. I sat with her before and after the procedure, which she came through with flying colors -- not bad for an 81-year-old. I took her home the next day, and spent the night again so we'd both feel better about her being home at all. Again, I heard her praying before bed. It occurred to me that my previous writing about this was a little - I don't know - arrogant?

Maybe my mom has always known what she believed. Maybe she's always prayed & I just never noticed? If so, she's been more unitarian universalist than me - allowing me to fumble around and figure out what, if anything, I believed. Either way, it affirms my deep love for my mother, and my faith in the independent, responsible search for truth and meaning.

St. Louis General Assembly

So. M*, R, and I, along with KE visited St. Louis for the UUA General Assembly last week. Our adventures are recounted on another blog, "Lake Country Unies Visit St. Louie." Yes, we know that nobody who actually lives there says "St. Louie." It was interesting, exhausting, and overwhelming. I tried to do way too much. What else is new?

Did we have a good time? Yes and no. But you can see highlights of the event, even watch some streaming video of a few presentations.

Ted Kooser on Dandelions

From Local Wonders: Seasons in the Bohemian Alps...

"Mid-May, and all afternoon the goldfinches have been harvesting black dandelion seeds, flitting from white puff to white puff, burning those little black pellets of coal. Last winter, they were all in khaki, wearing their army surplus overcoats. But inside each of them, through the winter months, one of last summer's dandelion seeds was slowly coming to life, and each breast was beginning to bloom like a bright yellow flower." (p. 17)

Later... No mention of god here...but the above is a very reverent little paragraph. The natural world is amazing enough, most days.

Weird Weekend - Family, Fathers, Anniversaries...

(Photo by M*, taken at Heifer Ranch, Arkansas, 2005)

This weekend was a very jumbled rollercoaster of emotions - the trifecta of intense emotional holidays collided: a wedding anniversary, Father's Day, and the anniversary of my father's death.

Many years ago my dh and I were married. It was a beautiful, sunny Saturday in June, the park was green, the ceremony personal and intimate. It was the day before Father's Day - not something we took particular notice of when we set our wedding date, being somewhat more concerned with the minister's schedule since she was going on sabbatical soon.

The result is that our wedding anniversary always occurs within days of Father's Day. Which is kind of funny, because dh's birthday always occurs within days of Mother's Day - poor guy can't get a break! Luckily, he's a generous fellow and happily (mostly) shares his special days with other special days. He's a terrific father, and the kids and I try to make 'his day' special.

Nine years ago my father died after struggling to recover from complications which arose after his second round of heart bypass surgery. He had developed post-operative pneumonia, then his kidneys failed - making twice-weekly dialysis a necessity. A month in the hospital, followed by three months in a nursing home led to a series of strokes which put him back in the hospital, comatose. He died at the age of 72, the day before our 20th wedding anniversary. Need I say we didn't celebrate it that year?

This past Saturday, dh, R & I were at dh's cousin's home for a mini-family reunion. It's always fun to visit these cousins - they have a beautiful, lovingly restored and renovated home and gorgeous gardens. In conversation, I suddenly realized it was the anniversary of my father's death. And the next day would be both Father's Day and our wedding anniversary. Emotionally conflicted is the closest I can come to describing how I felt!

Happy with dh after all these years, proud he's the father of our children, sad my father is no longer here to be celebrated as the strong presence he was - and still is - in my life and the lives of others, sad he's simply no longer here. Curious that I hadn't given much thought to his death for some time. I believe the memorial service and eulogy I wrote for him as a class exercise helped - I had never been happy with the memorial service preached by the minister my mother asked. In the words of poet Wendell Berry, my father now rests forever "in the grace of the world." I remember him with less sadness. I rejoice in the present.

Blessings on the journey...

THE PEACE OF WILD THINGS
Wendell Berry

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

Creativity!

When I get a spare hour or so, I like to play with my stash of beads and create jewelry for myself and my friends. This is my newest creation! I'm calling it MotherEarth.

The center (focal) bead was purchased from Earthenwood Studio. I love their creations, and found this one & two others at their booth at the annual Bead and Button Show. My friend and I make this an outing every year, as it's a treat to see what 'real' artists are doing with beads. This year I focused on purchasing a few quality focal pieces, and I think I found some real beauties. Being around all this wearable art and creative energy gets me enthused about the craft again & I just have to make something right away!

So... how far have we come? (mini-rant)

(photo lifted from amazon.com)

O.K. - I'm not anti-sex. Really. I'm a modern woman and a feminist. I'm also married to a great guy, so I'm not anti-men. An advertisement for this book appeared in my emailbox this evening as I sat here taking a break from writing a short review for a class, and I just can't let it go by.

"How to Set His Thighs on Fire: 86 Red-Hot Lessons on Love, Life, Men, and (Especially) Sex" is the book, by Kate White, editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan and "bestselling mystery writer." The online store is even offering 10% off this week, in honor of Father's Day. sigh

The amazon site allows one to view the table of contents and a fairly lengthy excerpt. My dh & I looked at it, together. He liked the chapter title about eye makeup to make him gag! (actually, it says "gaga" but I like his reading better)

I was reminded of Marabel Morgan, who wrote a book back in the 1970's called The Total Woman. Marabel advocated doing everything for one's man, up to and including greeting him at the door wearing Saran Wrap. Ick. Really - one of the points in her man-pleasing plan was to greet one's husband wearing a different "sexual fantasy costume" each evening. Of course, Marabel didn't believe women should have anything in their lives besides pleasing their men. Toward that end, she wrote that all women were to be well-organized, good housekeepers, good mothers, and good in bed -- to make their husbands' lives easier and more pleasant, of course. (I really wonder what the kids would think of the Saran Wrap get-up, don't you?) If you're really interested there's a fascinating online discussion of the book here.

It's one thing to want to have a strong, intimate, mutually satisfying relationship with one's partner. It's another to completely submerge one's own personality and interests to the point of being a Stepford Wife; or to use sexually manipulative tactics to get one's way. I'd rather find activities to enjoy with my husband, rather than read up on only his favorites and ignore my own. I'd rather sexual desire be mutual and honest, than manipulative. I'd rather be me, with all my imperfections, than pretend to be some sort of superwoman.

What really bothers me about the excerpts for Kate White's book is that it seems feminism has just given women the power to be as crass and manipulative as the stereotypical 'male chauvinist pigs' were back in the day (or even now). Instead of raising the bar for behavior and ethics, have we all just sunk to a lower level? I hope not!

Out of the Nest

Our second child just graduated from high school this weekend. M* will be moving out in a couple of months, off to college to pursue her dreams. Part of me wants her to go back and be a six-year-old again, to see her grow up and become the beautiful, intelligent, kind and caring young woman she is. A much larger part of me is just plain proud of what she's accomplished so far, and eager to see what she does with her life.

Parenting is such a risky proposition. We do what we can, but in the end it's the kids who have to make their own choices and live their own lives. Our older child is currently living paycheck-to-paycheck -- and the paychecks don't always stretch that far. Our younger child still has a couple years of high school, and no idea what she'll do after.

I'm reminded of Julian of Norwich's prayer: "All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well." May it truly be so.

Jon Stewart Rocks

I found this interesting video on YouTube. Jon interviews former Education Secretary William Bennett about the gay marriage issue. I find it fascinating that Stewart plays this relatively (you should excuse the expression) straight. He even catches Bennett with a couple of pointed questions - like why shouldn't gays be allowed to marry if marriage is the foundation of society? Enjoy. (photo is from the Comedy Central website)

Outrageous Video - Jesus "I Will Survive"

A friend sent me the URL for this outrageously funny video. If you're easily offended, don't watch it. On the other hand, if you can see a campy side to JC... enjoy!

Out of the mud...

I'm feeling so darned lazy. Having trouble figuring out how to get started on the assignment for the intensive class I took. Feeling daunted by the amount of reading yet to do for the upcoming intensive in July. Stuck in the mud - kind of like the waterlilies, above...

Sandwich Generation

Ever felt like you're in the middle of a sandwich?

My mother, who is facing health challenges (she's 80 years old) has an appointment with a neurologist next Friday to discuss some test results. She wants me there, to hear what's said & ask any questions. She doesn't hear well (even with hearing aids), and doesn't always understand what doctors tell her. I want to be there for her.

My oldest daughter is also graduating from high school next Friday. I certainly do not want to miss it! While I think there will be time to drive the 90 min. to and from Mom's, be at her appointment, and be at the graduation, I'd really rather not fill my day with driving. We're having guests the next day to celebrate. Yet, I'll feel guilty if I don't accompany my mother.

Definitely feeling like the filling in a sandwich...

Belief - or philosophy?

Here's what I think is wrong with my result from the *what is your religious philosophy* blogthing quiz (see previous post):

It says "You're not sure if God exists, and you don't care."

I do care. I wouldn't be in seminary if I didn't care. It's true I'm not sure there is a God. But it's more accurate to say I'm sure that most ideas of God are just that - ideas. Conceived by humans. Most ideas of God are dependent on some form of sacred scriptures - again created by humans, even if the words were dictated, human error is introduced. I care that people are helped and harmed by these ideas. I care that some of these ideas seem true, while others seem too silly to be true.

Ultimately, there is no way to know for certain. But I care about the search for meaning. I feel the divine spark within me. I see it in others, and in the world. My core belief is that the divine is too unimaginably large to be contained within most theologies - even mine.

Blessings on the journey...

In Remembrance

Above is a photo of our local Memorial Day parade from two years ago. It could be from this year, or 20 years ago - the parade happens in the same way, with the same groups participating every year. These are the girls from scout troops selected to carry the flags that year. My youngest, R, is carring the American flag. She was a very proud eighth grader - and thrilled to have such an important job. She marched again this year, without the flag, but still happy to be there. There's a reason why she felt so strongly about carrying the flag.

Her reason is her grandpa, my dad, who died almost 10 years ago now. He was a World War II veteran - a member of the "greatest generation" who served his country without question, feeling it was his duty and moral obligation. He served in Europe with two of his brothers. One of his brothers didn't come home - we don't even know where he died, or is buried. My father was profoundly changed by the experience of being in war - though he rarely spoke about it.

My dad was the only person in our family who physically resembled our youngest. Everyone else is fair & blond - Dad was like R: olive-skinned, dark-haired, brown-eyed. R latched onto him early - and mourned his death openly. She says that carrying the flag in the parade made her feel close to him again, and that she feels his spirit next to her when she marches in this parade. She feels like he would be proud of her - and I'm sure she's right.

She is ambivalent about our government, against the current war, and knows that her grandpa and I had our fiercest arguments over questions of constitutionally protected freedoms - like burning the flag as political speech. He wasn't a perfect man - But she loved her grandpa - and I've always told her that love doesn't die when a person dies, her grandpa will always love her.

A reason I was proud to see her carry the flag - she's an immigrant. Adopted from another country, a naturalized citizen, living in the tension of wanting to be proud of and claim both her birth and citizenship countries. Not easy to feel good about being an American right now, knowing that people in other countries are viewing the actions of our government with distaste.

That's a lot for a teen & mom to think about, as we remember a man who deeply affected both our lives.